Emmett at
by Dreamer of All
Summary: When Emmett is unleashed upon the innocent people of the world, what could go wrong? Everything, everywhere!
1. WalMart

**AN: This is my official entry into xxDeath's Daughterxx and mine's contest, even though it won't count in any of the categories. Now, this is not meant to be an Emmett-bashing fic, just some humor at his expense.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words.**

**Emmett at Wal-Mart**

_I knew this was a bad idea, _I thought to Jasper as we walked through the door at Wal-Mart._ Do you think we should leave before he does something we all regret? I mean, it __**is**__ Emmett…_

He laughed. _Let's just give it a try. Maybe it'll be funny. _

_It's your funeral if he does bad something and Rose finds out._

I grabbed a shopping cart and started walking towards the furniture section. Esme needed us to find some furniture for the new house, but couldn't make it to the store. That's why I at least was here. I could show her pieces she might like through my mind and she could tell me what she thought. Don't really know why the other two came with me though…

"Oh, Edward! Look!" Emmett cried, jumping onto one of the display beds. He instantly fell through it, breaking the bed when he landed on it. Just like the bed, his smiled crumbled. "I'll pay for it…"

I sighed, but immediately felt a wave of patience wash over me. Flashing a quick smile at Jasper, I went over to deal with our oaf of a brother. "Emmett, it's fine. We need another bed anyhow." Flagging down a worker I told them to put it on hold for us.

As he walked away, Emmett called after him. "Code 3 in Automotive. I'd hurry if I were you." Strangely enough, the kid ran the rest of the way there as Emmett and Jasper laughed.

Rolling my eyes, I continued looking around. _I'm going to have to keep an eye on you both, aren't I?_ I thought to Jasper.

_Sorry, brother. Emmett's emotions are extremely strong right now and I can't fight them off anymore,_ he smiled apologetically.

:

Looking up from a pair of dressers, I saw that neither were in the furniture section anymore. "Oh, for goodness' sake!" I cried, looking all around for either of them.

Many minutes later, I found them in the outdoor area. In the carpet in front of them was a 'Caution – Wet Floor' sign that I was sure they had moved themselves. Both were setting up a tent. As I neared, I heard Emmett say "If you bring a pillow, you can join out slumber party" to some poor little girl who was lost. I pointed her in the direction of her dad and went over to my brothers.

"Oh, hey, Edward. You want to join us, you need to find a pillow." Emmett grinned, patting his own pillow.

I just shook my head. _Please grow up._

"You can't make me."

_Care to bet on that?_

Just then, someone came over the loudspeakers. "Clean-up, aisle 4"

Emmett covered his ears and screamed. "OH NO! IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!" I sighed, grabbing his arm and pulling.

"We're leaving. Now. Jasper, contain yourself."

He held up a portable radio. "But it's _Nine in the Afternoon_!" he whined, "I can't leave yet!"

I felt someone standing at my elbow. "Hiya Edward!" Alice beamed up at me.

"Since when were you here, pixie?" Jasper planted a big kiss on her cheek.

"I had a vision just after you left, and I wanted to be here for it."

"Hello! Has anyone seen Emmett?!" I cried, looking in all directions.

_Try the layaway counter._ Alice shrugged, although I knew she was telling me where he was. I grabbed the cart and ran as fast as (seemingly) humanly possible.

When we got there, Emmett was standing at the counter, waving a bag of M&M's around in the air. "I'm telling you, I need to put these on layaway!" He yelled, looking at the cashier.

"And I'm telling you I can't put a dollar bag of candy on layaway! Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?"

"WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!" He ran away, trying to make it seem like he was crying. "Please excuse my brother," I asked the clerk who was staring at Alice a little too intently. That's when I noticed Rose standing behind her. Gesturing that I should follow her, I left the cart in Jasper's care.

"Yes?"

"What did you do to my husband?" Her voice was quiet, controlled, but held quite a bit of withheld fury.

"Nothing." Seeing her skeptical look, I elaborated. "He was like this as soon as we walked in. Doesn't help that Jazz finally couldn't stand it anymore and joined him though."

"Where'd he go now?" Rose asked boredly, looking over at Alice and Jasper. "I really don't want to move again so soon."

I scanned the store for his thoughts. "He's headed towards Housewares and is humming the Mission Impossible theme."

"We'd better go catch him," she sighed.

"Might as well, before he does something stupid again."

:

We found him minutes later trying to set the alarms on all the clocks to go off every four minutes.

"Emmy Bear!" Rose cried, launching herself at him. _This should work, _she thought to me.

_Best of luck._

"Rosey Posey? When did you get here?" He looked guiltily down at the clock in his hand.

"Oh, only a minute or so ago," she lied, swinging an arm around his waist. "Long enough to see what's going on."

He looked nervous. "Um…I did **not **empty all the fish tanks into the bathtubs!"

I stared at him. "Really, Emmett? Are you really **that** dumb?!" Jasper suppressed a laugh as he and Alice rounded the corner to where we were.

Rose glared at me. "No, he isn't, Edward. And I would appreciate you not saying that ever again. Or you know what will happen." Her eyes glittered black, and I remembered the last time we hunted. She had gotten rather territorial over a deer and tackled me whenever I came within a mile of her precious game. It was a long and hard fight – one I would stay away from for as long as I live.

Raising my hands in defeat, I grabbed the shopping cart from Alice. "I give up. You all are lunatics."

:

I ended up walking right into a pile of pudding. "Eh, um…Surprise?" Emmett shrugged.

"You are so dead."

END

**AN: Okay, so it was extremely weird and not that funny….forgive me! (starts bowing down to readers) I will forever love you all for putting up with my stupid stories and still continuing to read them. Now, if you could R&R to tell me exactly what sucks about this one…or PM me!**

**xoxo,**

**Mikalah**


	2. DriveThru

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Disclaimer: I own nothing **

**Emmett at the Drive-Thru**

After our day of "fun" at Wal-Mart, I know I shouldn't have let Emmett drive back to Forks. "Oh, Edward!" He called, trying to look as innocent as possible. "Can I please drive?"

I sighed, gesturing that he could. Luckily we had taken his Jeep, otherwise we could have never fit everyone into the car, seeing as Rose and Alice had run all the way to the store. I was already fed up with everything he'd done so far, and the stupid pudding refused to come off my shoe "Fine, Emmett."

I should have realized something bad was going to happen as soon as Alice started laughing. Leaning over to whisper in Rose's ear, she quickly turned her thoughts into a Russian rendition of "Breakaway". As Rose laughed and started blocking me as well, I knew the normally ten minute ride home would take a lot longer.

"How's everyone doing on hunger levels?" Emmett asked, pulling into a Burger King drive-thru. Turning around in the parking lot, I hoped to God that he was pulling back onto the road.

I was wrong. "Emmett, what are you doing?!" I cried as the car started going backwards at about 81 miles an hour.

"Going to get some food."

"You are hopeless."

:

When we finally made our way through the drive-thru _correctly_, (the employees had yelled at us) Emmett proceeded to be even more of an idiot. Before the person inside could ask, Emmett said, "Hello. May I take your order?"

"…" We were greeted by silence. "Um…no. What will you have?"

"I'll have a nerskek, a medium sdstwesg, and two orders of ooshnos onosrd."

"Sir, I'll need you to speak English please." The poor kid thought Emmett was insane, which I'd have to say it seemed like he was.

Rose slid from her seat on the passenger's side onto Emmett's lap. _Ha, this is going to be great. Edward, relax. You need more fun in your life. _"Sir, I'll have a bacon cheeseburger, a medium Coke, and two orders of onion rings." Rose was defiantly playing up to her strengths. Her voice alone had caused the boy to drop the money till, and to blush bright red.

Gesturing for his buddies to come to the window and see the 'babe', he said, "That'll be five dollars, even."

Before we could move though, Rose ducked behind her seat, right in front of me, pulled Alice with her, and hid under the seats. "Shush," she hissed at Jasper and I. "Don't look at us, or you'll ruin it." Alice was already laughing, as she saw another vision of the events to come.

We pulled up through the drive-thru, Emmett taking coins from everyone until he had five dollars. Handing it to the guy, he said, "What took you so long? Why couldn't you understand me the first time?"

As Emmett gave him the money and took the bag, I scanned the cashiers thoughts once again. _Wow…that's one strange group of people…._

Oh, if only you knew.

--

**AN: Oh, joy!! I've gotten a lot of requests for more Emmett-y goodness, so here it is! There are others to come, including "Emmett at the Mall", "Emmett at the Pool", and "Emmett at the Theme Park".**


	3. Mall, Part 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Emmett at the Mall, Part One: The Drive**

When we finally got home from Wal-Mart and Burger King, Edward immediately ran to Bella's. I put my pajamas on and curled up next to Jasper on the couch. "Hello, love." I said, kissing him on the cheek. "So, what movies are on for tonight?"

He smiled, noticing the change in my emotions. Earlier I had been very hyper, and now I'd chilled out a bit. "I was thinking _Across the Universe_ and _The Brothers Grimm_."

"Sounds great." Before I could plop down next to him, my vision glazed over as a vision filled them…

_We were all at the mall in Port Angles. For some reason, Emmett was wearing a dress and had on a lot of make-up –_

Before I could get the rest of the vision, Jasper's voice rang out. "Oh, great. Another idiotic episode, huh?" He could tell from the rise of enthusiasm in me that it involved Emmett.

I glared down at him. "Yes, _dear_, another 'idiotic episode'. And this time, you will be force to help out."

"Great…" he sighed. "Can we watch the movies now, please?"

:

I called Bella the next morning right after Edward got home.

"Hello?" she mumbled.

"Bella! Get up, get dressed! We'll be there to get you in twenty minutes! Wear those jeans I bought you and your Dracula play cast shirt." Before she could object, I hung up and sprinted into my closet.

_What to wear, what to wear…_I thought, pacing in front of the racks and racks of clothing. _Hm, how about my new Silver jeans and that Beatles shirt?_

_Alice, I would really appreciate it if you left Bella out of all this nonsense,_ Edward thought to me, even in his mind sounding weary.

"No can do, Eddie dearest!" I called to him. "Bella needs to be there for this vision to happen. And believe me – you want it too."

_Oh? Pray tell._

"Nope!" _Now get out of my head and tell everyone else to get ready._ I stepped out of the closet to see Rose already ready and seated on my bed.

"Hello. Now, what's this I hear about a mall trip?" Her eyes glittered just like mine.

"I thought we might have some more fun at your husband's expense."

"Sounds great." Rose slunk off my bed and down towards the garage. "We'll take the Jeep, then?"

:

When we finally arrived at Bella's, she was already waiting for us on the porch. "Hey," she called, waving at us. I jumped out of the Jeep to give her a hug, and to figure out where to put her. With Jasper, Emmett, Edward, Rose and myself already in it, it would be tight. I finally decided she could grab the other back window seat and I would sit in-between her and Jazz, with Edward on her other side.

Everyone voiced their greetings as we sped along the highway. Sometimes I wondered if we could go fast enough so our car would be invisible, but Bella was with us; now was not the time to test my theory. "Why has Edward been so mad lately?" she whispered to me, thinking the others couldn't hear. I heard Emmett suppressing his laughter at her trying to be sneaky.

_Say nothing. _Edward warned me, snarling slightly

I smiled at him, thinking of all the times he had ratted me out to Jasper. "Oh, he's on the male vampire version of PMS. Don't worry though, he should get over it soon." Turning up the brightness in my smile, I looked over to him. "I hope so at least. You will get well soon, won't you Eddie dearest?"

Anger flashed through his eyes as a vision past through mine. _Me, walking into my closet to find the walls bare. The smell of smoke. Outside, a bonfire of my designer clothes…_

"You wouldn't!" I cried, looking at Edward with my face a perfect mask of horror. "That's low, even for you, Edward."

He shrugged slightly. _Then I would drop the "Eddie dearest" crap, Allie dearest._

_You play a dirty game, Mr. Cullen._

_I try._

**AN: So, since I want to put a LOT of stuff into this part of "Emmett At…" I figured it'd be good if this one was a two-part (or possibly a three-part, since I can't decide). I know there wasn't a ****whole**** lot of humor in this one, and I apologize. Hopefully there will be more to come…**

**Oh, and this one is going to be a bit different. There's going to be teams in this one (read the next part and the teams will make sense), so the POV might switch around a bit, thus making other characters look weird/odd/stupid instead of just Emmett. This part should technically be a "The Cullens At…" but, you know. Whatever.**

**And a HUGE thank you to all my Reviewers, Watchers, Favorites….wow. In the first day after I posted this story, I got 10 reviews. This ones dedicated to all of you.**


	4. Mall, Part 2

**Emmett at the Mall, Part Two: Alice's Surprise Event**

After everything in the car, including Edward and Alice's silent argument and threats, I was a little scared as to why we were all going to the mall. Voicing my concern, Alice only laughed.

"We're having a contest!" Equally horrified looks were exchanged through-out the car. "Okay, so the teams are: Emmett, Bella, and Jasper, then Rose, Edward, and me." She handed everyone a piece of paper. "With your cameras – and I know at least one person in each group has one – you have to take a variety of photos. First team to complete it wins a special surprise."

I looked down at my paper, hoping it wasn't stuff that was dangerous. The paper read:

_Alice's Photo Scavenger Hunt:_

_You must get all the pictures in order to get back into your house tonight. Carlisle and Esme have been notified of this, and Bella is having a "slumber party" with me tonight, so she can't go home either!_

_One team member posing with a dummy (outrageous poses people!)_

_Someone (besides Bella) eating a large ice cream cone_

_Someone on the carousel_

_Two people "making out"_

_Team member(s) with a security guard_

_Team member dressed in old people's clothing_

"Alice, you can not seriously think we're going to take pictures of people making out!"

"And besides, you split all the marriages apart!" I blushed, thinking how they already considered Edward and I married.

Just as all chaos was about to break loose, Jasper sent a wave of calm around the Jeep. Nodding my thanks, I looked up to see the mall right in front of us.

Alice pushed Jasper out the door, nearly jumping over him in her excitement. "Now, everyone, GO!"

Emmett grabbed my arm, a gleam in his eye. "Let's go, Bells!"

And we did.

:

After an hour of aimlessly wandering around the mall, Jasper, Emmett and I were getting bored. There's only so many times you can Goth yourself up at Hot Topic and walk into Abercrombie before it gets boring. "What about Alice's list?" I half-heartedly said, pulling it out of my pocket.

They both looked at me like I'd grown two heads. "Are you crazy?" Jasper said, his mouth still gaping open. "We **never** do any of Alice's little games."

Emmett laughed his booming laugh. "Yeah, I just usually do whatever looks fun." His excitement was growing, rubbing off on Jasper who unintentionally sent the same feelings to me.

"Let's do this then!" I cried, waving it in front of him. "It'll be crazy and fun!"

Emmett beamed down at me. "What's the harm?"

If only we had known then what would happen.

:

_This is utterly ridiculous. _I thought to Alice as we stood outside Victoria's Secret. _I refuse to set foot in this place, Alice. _

_Too bad it's not your decision to make then, isn't it?_

Rose sighed, looking boredly at us both. "Listen, Edward, the sooner we get this done, the sooner you can go save Bella from whatever stupid thing Emmett's trying to get her to do." She grimaced, thinking of past 'Alice Fun-Time Games'. "We need to hurry, because Lord knows what he'll do to her – and the rest of the innocent people in this place."

I sighed back, thinking of the many dangerous things my brother could be doing. "Fine. What's first?"

Alice danced around a bit, pleasure evident on her face. "Outrageous poses with dummies!"

Rosalie and I both groaned. "Joy."

Mere seconds later, a frown crossed Alice's face. "Aw, they won't allow cameras in Victoria's Secret…"

"What a shame."

:

Twenty minutes later, and Emmett, Jasper and I had already gotten through a lot of Alice's list. The security guard, posing with a dummy, and someone in old people's clothes…all too easy. _Heh, Alice's slipping!_ I thought as I sashayed out of the dressing room. As an added gag for the old people's clothes, Emmett had grabbed a 2x pantsuit for my small frame. I tried to look elegant as I held the waistband of my pants up. Striking a pose, I cried: "Ta-da!"

Emmett spluttered out something or another, but I could tell it was funny. "What, does this make my butt look big?" I pulled all the stops this time: wide eyes, trembling lip, sweet little voice.

He immediately sobered up as Jasper snapped the picture. "No, Bells, you look…erm, lovely?"

I laughed, skipping over to put the huge hat on his head. "Three down, three to go."

:

Rose and I drew straws. I got the short one. Walking up to the ice cream counter, I looked for the smallest possible thing. "Remember, Edward: it has to be a large at least!" Alice sing-songed from a nearby bench. I tried my best to hold the snarl I felt rising in my throat.

_You will pay._

After I bought the offending thing, the prospect of eating it loomed upon me. It was by no means a bad tasting thing, if I had been able to taste it. I remember Bella buying one the last time we were at the mall: an Orange Julius. Slurping the last bit out of the plastic cup, I turned to the sound of Rosalie and Alice's giggles.

"What?" I snarled.

This caused them to laugh even more. "Nice picture, brother." Rose managed to gasp out. I ripped the camera out of her hands, only to see a picture of Bella and myself making out at the house. I groaned, hesitantly handing it back.

"Well, we've killed two birds with one stone!" Alice chirped before pulling Rose and I after her.

:

After Emmett and Jasper had successfully pressured a couple into making out for our camera and Emmett had devoured an entire large chocolate chunk ice cream cone, I was ready to throw in the towel. Plopping down on a bench, Emmett just pulled me back up. "No, no: no rest time for the human."

I growled softly at him (I wonder what other "vampire" habits I'd picked up lately), but let myself be dragged towards the carousel in the center of the mall. When I saw what was already on the carousel, my eyes lit up and I ran towards the offending thing.

"Edward!" I cried, launching myself into his startled arms.

"Bella," he whispered into my hair, covering it with kisses.

"Let's get out of here."

:

Twenty minutes later and we had finally managed to throw everyone back into the Jeep. I remember as far as making it out of the mall's parking lot before sleep overcame me.

**--**

**AN: So, at the part when it talks about getting "Gothed" up, I imagine them all in all black, with chains, spikes, etc., etc. Gosh, wouldn't Edward flip if he ever saw Bella like that? Ha. I'm thinking of making a companion piece with all the stupid stuff Emmett, Bella, and Jasper did before they started on the photo hunt. Review if you want it!**

**This whole chapter is told in Edward and Bella's POV. Hope that wasn't too confusing, as I didn't want to keep putting "Edward POV" and "Bella POV" all over the story. I think it distracts from it. XD**

**Although I used another list for this chapter, I also used personal experience. I recently did a photo scavenger hunt, and quite a few of these things happened to me. (Mostly Team Alice-Edward-Rose's experiences, only made human). **

**I hope you enjoyed this one!**


	5. Where Next?

Where Next…

**Where Next…?**

We got back to the Cullen house without so much as the slightest mishap (or so I've been told, although I know we must have broken every land speed record). I woke up in Edward's arm as he brought me to his room.

"Hullo." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.

He smiled my crooked smile and laughed a little. "Alice says we're going on a trip soon, someplace on the Eastern side of the country."

"Huh? Why?"

I could tell he was thinking something back to her, and her response made Edward grimace. "Says it's none of our business to know why, but you're apparently sleeping over all weekend next week." Of course, it was Saturday, so we had quite a few days before we would know.

I yawned and Edward laid me onto his huge bed. Cradling me in his arms like every night, he softly hummed my lullaby as I drifted off to sleep.

:

"Breakfast time for the human," was chuckled softly into my ear as sunlight streamed through Edward's wall of windows.

Grumbling, I opened my eyes to the harsh sun not usually present in Forks and my sparkling Edward. "'Morning…"

He laughed again, a little louder than before, now that he knew I was awake. "So, what do you want to eat, love?"

I yawned and stretch out on the bed, arching my back like a cat. "I don't care. Not even that hungry."

"Too bad. Esme's made waffles, and Emmett's promised to eat some if you do."

I stumbled down the elegant staircase with Edward holding my elbow to help keep me steady. Immediately, I was assaulted by the delicious smell of waffles wafting from the kitchen. _How is it that they can't even __**taste**__ it, and yet all of the Cullens can cook better than Rachel Ray?_

I smiled to myself and went to get two plates out of the cupboards – one for me and one Emmett. Alice bounded down the stairs in one leap, dancing over to me with a huge smile. "You want to know where we're going, don't you?"

"Of course," I uttered, standing on tip-toe to reach the plates. "Why am I being dragged cross-country this time?"

Her answer made me drop the plate I had just managed to grab. "We're going to break into the White House."

**AN: So, a little transition chapter. The funniest part of this is that I never intended to write any extra to "Emmett at Wal-Mart". In my mind, it was just going to be a one-shot. A huge thank you and cyber cake to all my readers. Without you, I wouldn't have gone anywhere with this.**

**And if you have any great ideas for where the crew should go next, review or PM! So far, the future for them includes the White House (obviously), the pool, Taco Bell, a theme park, an elevator, a new school, and K-Mart.**

**Note: For all of you that seem so insistent on telling me, I KNOW EDWARD CAN'T TECHINICALLY THINK THINGS TO OTHER PEOPLE!! There is an obvious reason that this is called **_**Fan **_**Fiction. Do you people also go into other fics and tell the writer everything they didn't miss, if they varied from Ms. Meyers ideas at all? And some of you that have sent these messages to me: please look at some of your work before you critique other people's. Installing spell check (which is something you're supposed to you! Don't believe me, check the Guidelines!) would be a good investment for you.**

**That's all.**

**Thanks for reading, like always!**


	6. White House Infiltration

**White House Infiltration**

_Her answer made me drop the plate I had just managed to grab. "We're going to break into the White House."_

"What?!" I sputtered, bending to pick up the fallen plate that was already gone. (Of course Edward had managed to swoop in and clean it all up so I couldn't hurt myself.) "Alice, you can't just break into the White House!"

She was unconvinced. "Says who?" she shrugged.

"Says every law! You can't just break in there and…well, what were you planning on doing once you broke in anyhow?"

"I don't know, but it sounded like fun!" Alice's eyes glazed over for a moment. She squealed. "Yes! We're going! And this is going to rock!" Flying through the kitchen and back up the stairs, she called back to me: "Bella, make sure to pack a bag! And bring that radio purse I bought you for the trip!"

Esme chuckled behind me. "Don't worry about it too much, Bella dear. Alice has done more dangerous things than break into the White House." _Are you all crazy?!_ I thought to myself, giving Esme a hug. "Just don't ever let her take you to Vegas. **That's** when things get out of hand."

I laughed. "I bet! She probably comes back with like two million dollars or something, right?"

"I think last time it was more like two trillion…"

I laughed under my breath, thinking about how people must have been floored when that happened. "I won't then. Let her drag me to Vegas, I mean."

:

The week flew by in merely seconds. I couldn't concentrate in class and neither could Alice. In fact, almost all of the Cullens were perversely excited about the "Big Trip" we were planning.

"Hey, Bella," Mike said, sliding next to me during lunch on Friday. I saw Edward stiffen beside me. "So, what're you doing this weekend? There's going to be another party at First Beach." I suppose he was trying to be nonchalant about it, but he seemed like an over-eager puppy.

Slipping an arm around my waist, Edward turned to smile at Mike. "Sorry, but she's busy this weekend. And even if she wasn't, she wouldn't be going to First Beach." His unspoken message to me was clear: _No werewolf territory. No Jake. No danger._ What he failed to realize is that we were about to break into the freaking _**White House**_. Why did everyone seem to think that was a safe idea?!

Mike frowned; looking like Edward had just kicked him and then told him that _his_ puppy was dead. "Oh, well…then I'll see you Monday, I guess." He stood to go back to Lauren's table when I laid a hand on his arm.

"I truly am sorry, Mike. That sounded like fun, and I would go except that we all have plans this weekend. If you would have told me sooner, I might have been able to come." _And I would have, even though Edward wouldn't have liked it._ "So…have fun for me, okay? Make an extra s'more or something." I smiled at him, and he smiled back.

"Have fun, Bella. You too, Cullen." He added, nodding at Edward.

"I will, Mike," Edward responded coldly, looking hard at Alice. She shrugged slightly.

Mike waved and left, causing the tension to rise at out table. "Bella, you know you couldn't have gone, even if we _were_ going to be in town this weekend!" Edward whispered to me frantically. "You would have been in danger, and I wouldn't have been able to save you because of the stupid treaty lines!"

I kissed his cheek, trying to soothe him. "You know I would be safe."

"But I don't. Not after everything that happened to you there…"

"Oh, calm down, both of you!" Alice called, throwing a grape at Edward. "We're not going to be here, so no harm done!"

He picked it up and threw it back at her, and soon a grape war was started. Bright laughter came out of all three of us, while other people stared. They had been used to almost no talking from any Cullen. And now laughter? People were literally craning their necks to get a glimpse. Alice's eyes glazed over, and then they both started laughing. "Think we've gone mental," Edward whispered to me in-between laughs. "Aren't sure what to do. Some want to run away, and many are planning on it. That was Alice's vision."

I started laughing along with them, and (surprisingly) many people started running for the cafeteria doors. This only caused more laughter from us, and some from the people still in the cafeteria. "We need to leave." Alice immediately sobered up, grabbing both Edward and mine's hands. "This is about to get ugly…"

We may never know what exactly happened that day, as no one ever spoke about it again.

"Alice, why are we leaving school now?" I asked as I was dragged to the parking lot.

"Because, Bella, trust me – you don't want to be at school the rest of the day when Emmett comes back for the day. It'll be total chaos."

I grinned, then stopped in my tracks. "Why are we leaving if Emmett's here?" I missed my bear of a brother.

She sighed as if I were a difficult child. "_Because _Bella, we do not want, nor need, to be here. Trust me."

I sighed right back at her, but started walking towards the cars again. "Fine. I do, for now."

:

When he arrived at the Cullen household later that day, just as we had all finished packing stuff for the White House Infiltration, Emmett was all laughs. "It was great!" he bellowed in-between laughs. "Everyone was so glad to see me!"

Edward chuckled under his breath. "I doubt that," he whispered to me. "Madame Lafarge was always so relieved when he left class." I giggled, thinking to myself, _Since when do I giggle?_

Alice stood on the table nearest us and clapped her hands. "Listen up, everyone! We leave in one hour, so everyone double and triple check that you have everything. Go, now!"

For some unfathomable reason everyone jumped up and ran to their respective rooms, Edward scooping me up as he ran. "What's going on?"

"You do not want to know what was going to happen if we didn't…" He shuddered.

"What's wrong?" I asked, kissing his cheek. "Did she hurt you?"

"Not yet. But trust me, if we're not ready in an hour, my piano and Volvo are going to be painted pink."

I jumped out of his arms, running over to his bed where our bags were. "Well?" I called over to him. "Don't you want to save them?!"

:

An hour later, exactly, we were all assembled again in the living room. Alice, once again, was standing on a table with a clipboard in hand. "Black pants?"

"Check!" Everyone said, looking at their pants to make sure they were, indeed, black.

"Black shirt?"

"Check!"

"Black converse?"

"Check."

"Flashlights?"

"Alice, dear, don't stand on the furniture!" Esme called from the kitchen.

"Sorry, Mom. Now, flashlights?" she called out, jumping off the coffee table

Everyone held theirs up, boredly saying, "Check."

"Super awesome secret agent codenames?" Pointing to each of us in turn, we had to recite our ridiculous 'codenames' Alice insisted on giving us.

"Mr. Musclepants." Emmett laughed, hopping from one foot to the other. He was really excited about this whole trip.

"Betty Boop." Rosalie sighed.

"Mr. Sensitivity." Jasper was trying desperately to smile and make Alice happy, but the overpowering amount of boredom from all of us was making it hard.

I sighed, fearing the worst when everyone heard my codename. "Danger Magnet." I mumbled into the carpet. But those stupid vampires with their stupid vampire hearing heard me anyway. Busting into laughter, Emmett actually had the gall to fall on the floor because he was laughing so hard.

Trying to contain his chuckles, Edward wrapped his arms around me, trying to hide me away from their laughs. "Oh, love," he sighed, "What are we going to do with you?"

"Just say your codename, Edward!" Alice called over Emmett's roaring laughs.

He looked horrified. "Alice, no," he breathed, "That's horrible." Knowing what would happen if he didn't cooperate, Edward glared at Alice. "Fine…Piano Man…"

Immediately, everyone (including myself) started singing, "Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man. Sing us a song tonight. Well we're all in the mood for a melody. And you've got us feeling alright." From that point on, no one was quite sure what the rest of the lyrics were.

I looked over to Edward, who was banging his head against the wall. "Oh, Edward!" It was my turn to gather him in my arms. "Oh, it'll be alright."

"Yeah, _Piano Man_!" Emmett called from the sofa. "You _feeling alright_?"

Quicker than I could have thought possible, Edward dropped me onto the nearest couch and launched himself on top of Emmett.

"Ah, are you repressed, Little Brother? Can't let out your passion for Miss Swan, so you choose to release it in the form of anger?" Emmett taunted, blocking Edward's punches with a practiced ease. "You do realize that it's not healthy for you? That you're just going to have to change Bella before you go crazy. Well, crazier than you already are, at least. But then again, the piano is a prophylactic. Is that why you play it so much, Edward? To control yourself?"

That was it. Edward lost it. Tearing at Emmett any way he could, real fear began to shine in Emmett's eyes. "Woah, watch it!" He bellowed, moving swiftly to block his new TV. "That's worth more than you're _piano_!"

Snarling, Edward tore at his chest, grabbing for the TV at the same time. I got a quick look into his eyes: pitch black. Normally that color was only reserved for times when he was really thirsty, but now? I guess it must be a sign of a vampire gone feral. "Edward!" I shouted, hoping it would get his attention. "Edward Anthony Mason Cullen! Stop right this instant!"

And he did. Gradually as he walked towards me his eyes lightened to their normal topaz. "Eh…sorry about that Emmett."

Emmett's easy grin slid onto his face. "No permanent harm done." He looked down to the slash marks on his t-shirt. "Well, at least not to me."

:

With seconds to spare, we were on our way. The drive was long and boring, even if we were able to cut the travel time in half due to back roads and lazy cops. There was the incident in Indiana involving Jasper and the bobble-head cat toy, but I'm not going to get into that.

Sooner than I would have guessed though, we were in Washington D.C. and minutes later we were outside the White House.

"Okay, troops: If we stick together, we'll come out all right and with all appendages. Can you handle it?"

We nodded, each person grabbing whatever was needed of them. I grabbed my bright pink radio purse and hooked up the iPod Alice had given me to its speakers. The Mission Impossible theme song started playing. Alice turned around and beamed at me. "It'll play on a loop!"

_Are you all completely mental?_ I thought, glad that this was one of those times when Edward couldn't read my mind. _Are you trying to make us into a teen comedy cliché?_

Apparently that was the plan from the beginning. I laughed to myself, surveying the scene around me: Emmett, the jock. Rosalie, the pretty and mean girl. Jasper, the brooding loner. Alice, the oddball leader. Edward, the musical genius. Me, the klutz that gets us all killed. If that's not cliché, I'm not sure what is.

Alice signaled for all of to be quiet and follow her as she slunk along the lawn. Pointing to a door on the side of the building she gestured for Jasper to come up by her. He expertly picked the lock and we all scrambled to go inside before we were noticed.

I pulled the door closed behind me, seeing a bright spotlight on the place where we had just been, Luckily they passed just far enough away not to notice the opened door.

We followed along the tunnels under the White House for another hour or so before Alice deemed it safe to venture onto the main floor. Just as we neared the Oval Office, I noticed a German Shepard laying on the ground near the door. Being as graceful as they all were, all the Cullens were able to pass by unnoticed. I, however, was not.

Stumbling past the dog, I tripped over a rise in the rug. Before Edward could notice and catch me, I was on the ground nose to nose with the huge dog. It's eyes blinked open quickly as I scrambled to back away from it. "Good doggie." I mumbled, keeping eye contact. "Good doggie will let Bella go?"

No such luck. And to top everything off, everyone else was out of sight. I guess they were in the Oval Office…a good 2oo feet away or so. I could run that, couldn't I? Surely it wouldn't be that hard!

So I did. It took the dog a second before it realized that I was running away before it jumped up and ran after me. By then I was halfway to the Oval Office. I could hear everyone whispering things to Emmett like, "Don't do that!" and "Emmett, no!"

I sprinted in the room, slamming the door behind me. Everyone stopped yelling at Emmett to look at me. "Edward!" Alice hissed. "It was _your_ job to keep Bella out of trouble _and away from the dogs!_ Could you not even handle that?!"

I stepped in-between them before Edward could say anything. "Alice, lay off him." I snarled, a picked up vampire habit I'd gotten lately. "I fell and he didn't notice. One time out of a million. Big whoop." Noticing Emmett out of the corner of my eye, I panicked. "Plus, Emmett's about to get us all blown up."

He had found the Button, the one said to end the world. And guess what? Yep, that's right: he pushed it.

Something shot out of the button, causing Emmett to cry out in alarm. "Ah! I'm dead, I'm dying, I've been hit!"

Everyone rolled their eyes. "Emmett, honey, you can't die. You're a vampire." Rose sighed, pulling him to his feet.

"How could you forget that?" I asked, totally confused. Before I could ponder the vast emptiness of Emmett's head sometimes, two big missiles shot towards me. The same two that had shot at Emmett, but had apparently bounced off of him. "AH!" I screamed.

"Bella!" Edward launched himself in-between them and I. Grabbing them in his super-human grip, he crushed them both. As he turned in mid-air, the Mission Impossible theme song started playing again.

After he successfully saved my life, Edward turned to glare at Alice. "We are leaving. Now."

Everyone followed him, knowing that he would hurt anyone who didn't come. "Bella…" He murmured into my hair, kissing the top of my head. "Oh, Bella…what are we going to do with you."

Lazily, I grinned up at him. "No, what are we going to do about Emmett?"

He chuckled. "We'll have to lock him up somewhere, won't we?"

I nodded then slipped off to Dreamland.

**AN: So, chapter and all of the White House part dedicated to oXXb00kw0rmXXo for being a super-cool person! Never thought our debate on whose friends were weirder would lead to this, huh? Anyways, GO READ HER STUFF!! Now! I command you all! Especially "Lost Control" because I'm beta'ing that one, and pretty much it just rocks. (Ha) But no, really, it's great.**

**So, I have no idea what the name of Forks High's French teacher is, but it seems like it's "Lafarge". But I really don't know. So, for the purpose of this, it will be. **

**And I apologize if this isn't as funny as it could be. I had to finish it quickly, before I leave until mid-July. What better way to leave than with an extremely long (for me) chapter in "Emmett At…"?**


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